Time...where have you gone? - (8 weeks to baby)

My name is Amy.

It was King, it is now Krakauer. For those who are interested in my life at all, I've had a hell of a year. Two years. Shit, 10 years... whose counting?2009 was supposed to be a banner year for Jason and I. If you followed the updated on Facebook and twitter, you know where the years took us. From living in Miami and both of us in office jobs. To a whirlwind stint in Tampa. 6 months of not making enough money and knowing that a move to Atlanta was inevitable. We tried hard to make friends, make the most of it- but really- It was stress in a can. We had to just deal with it. Jason's idea of dealing with his stress was taking me with him. He Proposed on October 18th, 2009, on a beach in St. Petersberg, Florida. Its was totally amazing. I've lived most of my life dreaming of a man who would love me and want to share his life with me. and of that moment it would all come down to a yes or no question.

In life... you're faced with choices. Snooze button or spring out of bed. Coffee or Tea. Work out or finish what you're watching. Laundry or let it slide. Go to bed Early or Tie one on. I've

always been the kind of girl who lives for the moment. I have to let myself loose every once and a while to make sure i'm still Alive. I'll let it all go to shit before I make a final decision on anything. in my circle of family and friends, I had been labeled the one who would live in sin forever. Never get married. Always on the eternal chase for love, letting love find me, letting

my thirst for adventure blow that situation to smithereens, and starting over. Never Married. Never to settle down. I had really found something special when I found Jason. He is a force of nature- and the quiet to my chaotic heart. He knew from day one that we would end up together. He convinced me. Kind of...because as every girl knows... there are two questions

you have to ask yourself at a time like this.. (boy on bended knee, ring in hand, world in slow

motion) Are you ready to give up alot of your self and the life you've come to call your own?? and Are you really the person he thinks you are? You say 'it' and and thats a wrap.

Here I am, waiting for the words to come out of my face. I left my body for a few seconds to reflect on everything that came before it.. it was like the whole world slowed down and let me breathe...

SO- With the Sun setting in the West, (metaphorically and literary) I let go of my preconceived notions of marriage and failure and life as i knew it- and said yes.

I wished my mother could have been alive to see it all go down. She loved Jason- he had a little talk with her on her death bed about taking care of me. He promised her that we'd get married and we would have a family. That he'd be a son she could be proud of. She was. So was I. My mom missed a lot this year. A chance for us to come home and be with the family again.

We moved back to Atlanta in February of 2010. I went back to Canoe!

God Bless that Restaurant. They make me feel like i'm always at my best. i wish i could do more to let them see how grateful i am. Honestly.

Got on with Wedding Planning- got our shit toget

her. Got Some Roots in the Ground and really started to feel like we were

on our way to a quieter life.

Somewhere around October 2011,I got sick. I think I started noticing something was wrong after a camping trip to the mountains here in GA.

Awful cramping and sleeplessness, bleeding and nausea. Jason took me to the ER after fainting on the toilet in the middle of the night. We discovered that I had some internal bleeding- it had been going on for a few weeks due to an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured my Fallopian tube. Pregnant? Bleeding? whatwhatwhat?

I spent a night in the hospital. They were able to save my uterus and the

other tube- but there was a chance I'd not be able to get pregnant. Not that I ever wanted to have kids. If that was going to be the answer to it all, I'd be Ok. For a 34 year old Lady, It should have come as no surprise.

It's late in the game. We just came to terms with it. Jason - heartbroken- the prospect of not having a family shook me more than a little. He wanted it so bad. I wanted to give it to him.He convinced me again, kind of, that it's what we should do. That this hiccup in our life is the time to make that choice. As soon as we got married, we'd try for a family. take the results as they came.

SO - On March 4, 2011, in the restaurant we love, in front of 100 of our favorite people, We were married.

It was a beautiful day- everything we wished it could be, planned on it being; and the idea that we were both ready for it and supremely happy about it made it all the better. I got to Dance

with My Daddy. Jason got everything he wanted. I got to be a vision in a designer wedding gown. My sisters got to be

beautiful, my friends and family got totally drunk and had the best time.

A week later, we went of the best road trip of our lives. Drove 5400 miles across country. We saw the USA in our new car. Memphis, Oklahoma, Texas,Arizona, the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, Las Vegas, coastal California, Sedona, Meteor Crater, Area 51, More of Texas, Louisiana, Alabama and Home Sweet Home- Atlanta, GA!! I don't think we would have had a betterhoneymoon if we went to Europe or the Bahamas . It was perfect for us.More ways than one. Because on this trip-We made a baby.

Nine months almost to the day we were married, we are expecting our first child!! How did this happen to me?

think back to when I was on the beach with the whole world in slow motion, wondering if I was ready to give up my own life to be a part of Jason's? Here I am with the same two questions in my mind. Am I ready to give up what i thought was my life? Am I really the person i think I am? It Says 'yes'- you're done.

I was done. they day they told me i was having a daughter. I was already in love. I celebrated my last single birthday, the next summer, my last childless birthday. Summer of 2011 was

supposed to be a relaxing time of preparation and coming to terms with my own life. Then My

Father Died.

Quite suddenly- to complications of his ongoing illnesses. Something

that was supposed to bring

me a little comfort. It really never does. With my mom's passing, we had a lot of time to say our goodbyes and make plans and make sure we were all grieving together. This is an entirely different chapter of grief. The kind where you don't get to say good bye. where you don't

remember the last conversation you had with them.

where you regret the things you didnt do just because they asked you to. the kind where you get to question it all. there is no comfort for that. He asked me to send him a picture of my pregnant belly the Monday before he Died. I tookit on a Thursday. I said I'd send

it after work. He died that morning.

Here Daddy.

I'm a mommy - i'm sorry you never got to see it.

a regret i'll never put to rest.

Somethings I've put on a list. A life list. A countdown of the most important situations from now on. Now that I don't have parents of my own to look down on and be proud of me- I have to be a great parent, and an inspiration to my daughter, my family and myself. I'll try to keep a running tally of the things I've achieved and let go of on this list with you, my readers. perhaps I'll be able to quell some of the regrets i harbor now, that the future me with forgive the past me and the person i am is the person i hope to become.

She is due to be here in 8 weeks. I'm terrified.

it's been a hell of a year. Keep up with what I have to say about it... here.

I'm just gonna put it out there.

you're friend

AmyK