3/7/2013
Shelby,
You're  1 year, 3 months 13 days old upstairs in your room taking a nap.  Today, I came to a point where I was trying to teach you...something. It immediately struck  me that there are some things that I'm not going to be able to teach you.  Sure, I want to.  I'd love to be the sounding board for each of your problems and every one of your scrapes or falls.  But, I have to face the facts that you're going to be a teenager some day and an adult out on your own and you're not going to want to hear it from the old lady. By then, I'm sure there are going to be hundreds of resources at your disposal and (hopefully) Loads of your friends to help you get through those struggles. For my part,  I have compiled a list of things that will help you along the way. No asking, no permission, no guilt, no icky uncomfortable conversations about it.. For your part, Please do these things.  here ya go.

I'd like you to watch the TV shows, every season, in order!  And listen to the Music as loud as you can.
As Needed / or/ in this order.
Middle School:
WATCH Saved by the Bell.  You'd be surprised how this dated television show has timeless life lessons.  Just don't get distracted by the corny clothes and obvious dialogue.   Another Corny Show you might love: Family Matters
Read - Are you there God, it's me Margaret... (( So it can remind you that you're not alone))  Somewheres around 8th Grade also read The Outsiders, To Kill a Mockingbird, the Secret Garden & Where the Red Fern Grows. You wont get it till much later, but you need it now. Also, learn to spell. Reading will help you a lot with that. I'm sure I'll make you read the Hunger Games around this time too... you'll thank me for not making you read Twilight.
Listen to pop music and have fun with it.  But sneak in some Led Zeppelin and Pearl Jam and The Beastie Boys and Taylor Swift -and really start to listen to the words.  Start asking to go to concerts - see which ones we bite at.
By this time, you should have seen all the Star Wars Movies.  But the lesson here is 'who do you watch them with..?' those are your friends, that is your clique.
You're going to have lots of questions about your body.  Please come to me First. I'll do my best answer you're questions honestly and directly without prying into your life. Remember that at this age, you need me still.  the questions might be icky and I might answer you by handing you a book or with a trip to the store or a lesson in how to how to make those chocolate chip cookies we all love, but I'll answer you.
High School:
Watch Dawson's Creek. All of it.  By this time, I'm sure you will have gone through a bought of the puppy loves and crushing heartbreak. Some life altering situations and sparks of genius.  If it will help, take notes from this show- seriously write stuff down. a little journal will help you work thru some stuff in your real life.  Although Dawson is a weird little dude with weird little friends, you should stick with it!  they grow up along side you and it will help you say the right things to people.  It'll help you make the right decisions about people - and yourself. Show you what the wrong decision results in, because consequences are real. But, most of all, it'll help you remember that the only person in your life who Really Really matters (besides your old mom)   Is you.  you're amazing.  
Other TV That will Blow your Mind about High school : Freaks and Geeks. My So Called Life, and the Carrie Diaries.
Listen to pop music But Also listen to  The Beatles. The Doors.  Etta James.  Lady GaGa. the Cure. Mumford and Sons. Jimmy Buffett and Justin Timberlake. Yes, thats alot. but it'll teach you some new words and new ways of putting those words together.  and new reasons to get in trouble.  Go ahead, gettin rowdy is part of gettin older.
Read: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Three Willows, The internet girls series by Lauren Myracle.  If you're anything like me - read Thirteen Reasons Why. and you'll know why.   Its a good time for your to start reading new authors - Poetry - and squaring yourself with learning as you read.  So that if you have a question about sex or drugs or current events or foreign things that you cant muster up the courage to ask ( or if you run into the same situation in a tv show or movie )  you can read about it and save yourself the embarrassment. (whew) Oh, remember how I said you wouldn't get books like 'the outsiders' in middle school.  Those lessons should be paying off right about now.
You're going to start having those questions about sex and boyfriends and make-up and money that I am not going to have the answers to.  now is the time where it'll be Ok if you ask someone else. Hopefully it's ok to ask me too.  The answer may be shopping or baking - but it's alright to start the convo. The Point Being - do  not be fooled into thinking what everyone else thinks if you need to know the answer to something, ask. even it it's not me.
Mostly, these books and shows are going to teach you that High school is Torture if you let it be.  It is a recurring nightmare of embarrassing situations and uncomfortable moments - you want to find some common ground with those closest to you without pushing other people away.  Don't be afraid to try new things but also, dont be ashamed to want to Not do Something too.
You should want to watch some R rated movies - ask me about horror and scary movies and make out movies and some good classics. like Ferris Bulers Day Off.  ((Again, who are you watching these movies with?? those are your friends.))
College:
Holy Shit, don't go to college, you're still a small baby in my mind.  Which is another lesson -  Mom is going to take care of you as along as she can.  She's silly and embarrassing and loving and devoted and a huge pain in your ass and the only one you can count on.  She's going to let you fly as far as you want to fly - And Fucking Study while you're there.. Geez.  The F Word? Yes, as long as you can use profanity in a proper setting, no one is going to scold you for it.  By this time, you've gotten a handle on the S word and the F Word. A lady only brings it out when needed, but Screw up once, and it'll haunt you forever.  They are only words. But, you may have learned by now that some words can cut you.  Just be careful, Ok?
Watch Sex and the City. not the movie, the TV show.  Carrie Bradshaw is an Archetype and and Archangel. She will teach you about strength, weakness, sex, money, power, struggle, success and failure, fashion, individuality  best friendship and Yourself. Learn about yourself.  She will make all of the same mistakes you've made and you can learn how to deal with things that way.  She will teach you about Excess and Restraint - a lesson that you need to learn as you're building your life and learning what is really important.  ((Excess is like wearing a scarf - you can't pull one end without the other getting shorter. And sometimes it'll make you look stupid and sometimes it'll make you look smart.  ))
By this time you should have had at least one serious relationship - but don't tie yourself to the idea of marriage just yet.   The first one is always the hardest fall, in and out. The second time is more for you and the third time, might be the charm.  If its not, carry on.  For this I prescribe Adele... 19, then 21.  She hit the nail on the head with break up and make up songs.
Also:  The indigo girls.  Neil Young.  Beyonce... sasha fierce then 4. David Gray. Dave Matthews Band. Jay-Z. You'll find your own way - you already have great taste in music..
Read: Cosmo. Not because you need to improve yourself, but, because the people around unfortunately have a say in your life at this point.  You'll learn things about make-up and hairstyles that will keep you current.  It'll motivate you to keep yourself sharp.  It'll also remind you about what is real and what is superfluous noise. And, How to form your own opinion about things.  They will,from time to time, sneak in a good strong female role model.  Hook onto those.  you might have a daughter some day and find yourself suggesting things of your own.
Speaking of:  Some good Strong Women:  Steel Magnolias, Little Women, The divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood, Weird Science, Dream Girls, Gone with the Wind,Marilyn Monroe,  JK Rowling, Tina Turner, Kill Bill, Julia Child,  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Foxy Brown, Julia Sugarbaker, Angelina Jolie, Dorothy Parker, Lady Sings the Blues, Joanie Mitchell, Allison Kraus, Carole King, Janice Joplin, Maya Angelou, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Connor, Charlies Angels, Mary Tyler Moore, Wonder Woman, Audrey Hepburn, Jennifer Anniston, June Cash, Joan of Arc, Michelle Obama, Paula Dean, Me and You.
( Don't know who some of those girls are?? it's time you did)   Just Be Proud of What you Do!
After College, you're going to need some good friends who are going to tell you the truth about everything.  I recommend ' how i met your mother'  if you watch from the beginning- you'll get it. hopefully we can talk about anything by then.


You're gonna do something stupid. You're going to lie to us, sneak out, fail a class, get drunk at a party we had no idea you were attending, shoplift, eat meat on Fridays- It's Alright.  Life is going to happen all around you.  Some days you're Joey, some days you're Carrie, some days you're Katness. But there will always be people around you to help you with life. Those people might not always be real people.  It's Alright- All of those people helped me too...And if you know who to go to it's easier to get through whats bothering you.  I'm always going to be here for you.  Even when I can't be there for you. For now, I'm going to let you sleep and trust my gut to teach you right from wrong, happy from sad, and shampoo from conditioner..how to tie your shoes, how to read and how to love.. I love you, and baby, that's what it's all about.

xoxo, Mom

Must Finish the Guestroom Before the Inlaws Come....

My guestroom, if you've ever seen it, is really a 'guess whats in there' room. Now that we've done the nursery the guest room seems well neglected. I know we are going to have guests for a few weeks once the baby girl gets here. Including Jason's parents for two weeks at the holidays.

So, It is my mission this weeks to get all the inspiration i can to set this room up, get everything organized, and 'giterdone'. I know i'm not going to get the budget for new furniture, so I'm looking at up-cycling what i have. i'm going to buy new sheets and duvet covers off of eBay and see what I can do to make it a beautiful and livable room.

wish me luck- I'll keep y'all posted.

Here are my inspiration pieces so far.

I'll be searching your blogs and sites too. if you have inspo for me, please help. To be Updated tomorrow.

love, AmyK

Time...where have you gone? - (8 weeks to baby)

My name is Amy.

It was King, it is now Krakauer. For those who are interested in my life at all, I've had a hell of a year. Two years. Shit, 10 years... whose counting?2009 was supposed to be a banner year for Jason and I. If you followed the updated on Facebook and twitter, you know where the years took us. From living in Miami and both of us in office jobs. To a whirlwind stint in Tampa. 6 months of not making enough money and knowing that a move to Atlanta was inevitable. We tried hard to make friends, make the most of it- but really- It was stress in a can. We had to just deal with it. Jason's idea of dealing with his stress was taking me with him. He Proposed on October 18th, 2009, on a beach in St. Petersberg, Florida. Its was totally amazing. I've lived most of my life dreaming of a man who would love me and want to share his life with me. and of that moment it would all come down to a yes or no question.

In life... you're faced with choices. Snooze button or spring out of bed. Coffee or Tea. Work out or finish what you're watching. Laundry or let it slide. Go to bed Early or Tie one on. I've

always been the kind of girl who lives for the moment. I have to let myself loose every once and a while to make sure i'm still Alive. I'll let it all go to shit before I make a final decision on anything. in my circle of family and friends, I had been labeled the one who would live in sin forever. Never get married. Always on the eternal chase for love, letting love find me, letting

my thirst for adventure blow that situation to smithereens, and starting over. Never Married. Never to settle down. I had really found something special when I found Jason. He is a force of nature- and the quiet to my chaotic heart. He knew from day one that we would end up together. He convinced me. Kind of...because as every girl knows... there are two questions

you have to ask yourself at a time like this.. (boy on bended knee, ring in hand, world in slow

motion) Are you ready to give up alot of your self and the life you've come to call your own?? and Are you really the person he thinks you are? You say 'it' and and thats a wrap.

Here I am, waiting for the words to come out of my face. I left my body for a few seconds to reflect on everything that came before it.. it was like the whole world slowed down and let me breathe...

SO- With the Sun setting in the West, (metaphorically and literary) I let go of my preconceived notions of marriage and failure and life as i knew it- and said yes.

I wished my mother could have been alive to see it all go down. She loved Jason- he had a little talk with her on her death bed about taking care of me. He promised her that we'd get married and we would have a family. That he'd be a son she could be proud of. She was. So was I. My mom missed a lot this year. A chance for us to come home and be with the family again.

We moved back to Atlanta in February of 2010. I went back to Canoe!

God Bless that Restaurant. They make me feel like i'm always at my best. i wish i could do more to let them see how grateful i am. Honestly.

Got on with Wedding Planning- got our shit toget

her. Got Some Roots in the Ground and really started to feel like we were

on our way to a quieter life.

Somewhere around October 2011,I got sick. I think I started noticing something was wrong after a camping trip to the mountains here in GA.

Awful cramping and sleeplessness, bleeding and nausea. Jason took me to the ER after fainting on the toilet in the middle of the night. We discovered that I had some internal bleeding- it had been going on for a few weeks due to an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured my Fallopian tube. Pregnant? Bleeding? whatwhatwhat?

I spent a night in the hospital. They were able to save my uterus and the

other tube- but there was a chance I'd not be able to get pregnant. Not that I ever wanted to have kids. If that was going to be the answer to it all, I'd be Ok. For a 34 year old Lady, It should have come as no surprise.

It's late in the game. We just came to terms with it. Jason - heartbroken- the prospect of not having a family shook me more than a little. He wanted it so bad. I wanted to give it to him.He convinced me again, kind of, that it's what we should do. That this hiccup in our life is the time to make that choice. As soon as we got married, we'd try for a family. take the results as they came.

SO - On March 4, 2011, in the restaurant we love, in front of 100 of our favorite people, We were married.

It was a beautiful day- everything we wished it could be, planned on it being; and the idea that we were both ready for it and supremely happy about it made it all the better. I got to Dance

with My Daddy. Jason got everything he wanted. I got to be a vision in a designer wedding gown. My sisters got to be

beautiful, my friends and family got totally drunk and had the best time.

A week later, we went of the best road trip of our lives. Drove 5400 miles across country. We saw the USA in our new car. Memphis, Oklahoma, Texas,Arizona, the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, Las Vegas, coastal California, Sedona, Meteor Crater, Area 51, More of Texas, Louisiana, Alabama and Home Sweet Home- Atlanta, GA!! I don't think we would have had a betterhoneymoon if we went to Europe or the Bahamas . It was perfect for us.More ways than one. Because on this trip-We made a baby.

Nine months almost to the day we were married, we are expecting our first child!! How did this happen to me?

think back to when I was on the beach with the whole world in slow motion, wondering if I was ready to give up my own life to be a part of Jason's? Here I am with the same two questions in my mind. Am I ready to give up what i thought was my life? Am I really the person i think I am? It Says 'yes'- you're done.

I was done. they day they told me i was having a daughter. I was already in love. I celebrated my last single birthday, the next summer, my last childless birthday. Summer of 2011 was

supposed to be a relaxing time of preparation and coming to terms with my own life. Then My

Father Died.

Quite suddenly- to complications of his ongoing illnesses. Something

that was supposed to bring

me a little comfort. It really never does. With my mom's passing, we had a lot of time to say our goodbyes and make plans and make sure we were all grieving together. This is an entirely different chapter of grief. The kind where you don't get to say good bye. where you don't

remember the last conversation you had with them.

where you regret the things you didnt do just because they asked you to. the kind where you get to question it all. there is no comfort for that. He asked me to send him a picture of my pregnant belly the Monday before he Died. I tookit on a Thursday. I said I'd send

it after work. He died that morning.

Here Daddy.

I'm a mommy - i'm sorry you never got to see it.

a regret i'll never put to rest.

Somethings I've put on a list. A life list. A countdown of the most important situations from now on. Now that I don't have parents of my own to look down on and be proud of me- I have to be a great parent, and an inspiration to my daughter, my family and myself. I'll try to keep a running tally of the things I've achieved and let go of on this list with you, my readers. perhaps I'll be able to quell some of the regrets i harbor now, that the future me with forgive the past me and the person i am is the person i hope to become.

She is due to be here in 8 weeks. I'm terrified.

it's been a hell of a year. Keep up with what I have to say about it... here.

I'm just gonna put it out there.

you're friend

AmyK

puttin in small terms.

I had such a great time making cookies. I just want the world to know how much fun 300 cookies can be. Happy Holidays.

Puttin it out there : Hanukkah Bush Edition or Silver Bells, shotgun shells.

Well, a few days have passed, a couple of warm weather days in miami makes me forget that it's a holiday at all. Maybe the 4th of July or Labor Day - So, I'm thinking about red and green fireworks and if they make cool-whip in festive holiday colors. Another reason to think that Florida is Death's waiting room and move in a Northerly direction, fast. I miss seasons, Fall- Winter- Wedding Season, Blackening Season- whatever. But- there is no mistaking this season! The stores are full of things you want to give people. I can't hardly walk thru a Target without wanting to buy toys for all the children i know. Target makes me instantly want to have children and stay at home to raise them (where alternately, Wal-Mart makes me want to beat small children, wear stiletto heals, move to new york, bleach my ovaries or possibly never have sex again .) I'm in love with all of the Christmas decorations, ornaments, lights, ribbons and bows- Toys. There is always a surplus of bikes in the isles. Plus- All you have to do is turn on the television and see the greenish glow of your childhood in shows like "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer""Frosty the Snowman" and "It's a Charlie Brown Christmas" & "a Christmas Carroll." BTW- who remembers Linus being so preachy? Awhh, who cares really except those crazies who think we shouldn't even mention God on TV - as if we werent adult enough to respect other folks free thinking. Charles Schultz must have been an old bible thumper from way back - the way he uses standard Christan morality in his characters- expressing his thoughts through flaws and social settings. He's telling us what to do, come to think of it. He'd be one of those people telling us that we shouldn't be watching all of this religious, right-winged, 'keep-the-Christ-in-Christmas'-crap on public television. Maybe he's a crazy. I think I'd like an aluminium tree ( pronounced with a British accent) a pink one. I digress.

Speaking of Trees. We've been busy bees in South Florida- hanging all the Christmas lights in the palms and baking all of the Cuban flavored Christmas cookies. I finally got the secret out of my dad for his biscotti and I'm making a ton of them. Sorry you wont be eating any because I'll be saving all of them for me. A little scroogey, i know. We are throwing the holiday party for Jason's Office staff- like a good housewife, I've decided that i can do it all. We bought this roasting pan from Crate and Barrel Outlet for $35. Hello Deal! We were thinking that we'd have to find like a hundred bucks or some creative solution for when we do standing rib roast. no more. - we broke it in with a chicken. How classic can you get than the smell of a roasting bird in the oven? I felt all grown up.

I think it's a funny little tradition that we wake up on a Saturday morning to watch food network ( Jason says I remind him of Nygella Lawson - to which I like to say 'thank you' at least it's not ida gardener) oh- Watch the food network and think we can do all the stuff. But, really. We can. Just ask my pancake mix or my awesome shrimp dumplings. It's a matter of purchasing the right equipment for the job. I like to think it's like my garage. So If Jason can buy tools, drills, drywall patches and sockets and oilcans and car parts and whatever to make the house and cars run- And I can buy pastry tips, Probe Thermometers, spiders, sheet pans, round casseroles and serving platters. Right!?

So, I got brave last night and told him about not wanting to go to NJ for Christmas- the part about looking like a big jerkey redneck. It didn't go as planned. I planned for a big fight where we poked at each other's families, who makes more money, who is fucking who's life, and who gets the dog in the divorce. But, surprisingly, he was really understanding. He listened to me and asked me questions about how I was feeling and why i was so down on myself. He just really stepped up to me and took care of me. I can't state strongly enough- how i don't deserve him. He's much too much for me. All he wants to do is Love me and spend time with me. I guess that is what marriage is supposed to be like. What is wrong with me that i'm worried that i've got it right. I should be proud of the person i am & more importantly, proud that i've found something that the rest of the world is still looking for. (there is a voice in my mind that states the obvious from time to time, it sounds like tyler durden. I am jack's false notion of relationships.) Got all brave and full of myself and the big fight in my head turned out to be a long night in bed with the love of a lifetime. It makes me want to live forever. Ok...be done before it gets weird.

It's not all canoodling, cooking and Christmas around the house. we also take part in all the normal things life has to give us, like washing the dog. My dog- loves to be in water, loves swimming, took to the surf like champ- but wont get in the bath tub. It scares him to pieces. I wonder why that is. I have never met a dog that would, when asked, hop in the tub and get washed. It's aways a nuts-o production of dog running wet thru the house with a soapy (and most times half dressed) close behind. Enzo (my dog, not my car) looks like an angry rat when totally drenched, but shakes out into this fluffy brown movie star when he's all brushed and cute. It leads me to believe that under most yippy small dogs is a mad rodent running half soaped from a groomer- and that makes me smile.

Merry Christmas Folks.

A rare positioning of planets Venus (top left) and Jupiter (top ... - Yahoo! News Photos

A rare positioning of planets Venus (top left) and Jupiter (top ... - Yahoo! News Photos

Back in the Saddle Again...

So, I didnt really talk to Jason about it. I just sent my resumes out to catering comanies to get myself employed. He called me yesterday to tell me that we dodged a bullet on some tax witholdings this week. He was short of freaking out about it. and that kinda sealed the fate of my weekends for the forseeable future. Back in the saddle again, slinging the ol' spanikopita and salad. It'll be great. really.

Ya know, I kinda miss the bustle of a holiday season in a restaurant. So, I am hoping and crossing my fingers that i get hired this weekend for some work. PLUS it'll get me in the money for christmas presents. Horray for you guys. Christmas presents from miami - so I don't know what the hell they will be or when you will actually get them, but if it is the thought that counts. I'm rich.

Today, i guess is a better day than yesterday. I always hear Stevie Wonder singing when I say that. " I love you more today than yesterday.. not half as much as tomorrow.." then I remember that I love the song 'ribbon in the sky' and nobody knows what i'm talking about. It's been happening alot with music lately. Sometimes I'll listen to something on myspace and a week later it's on the radio and Jason is all ' oh- love this song' and I'm already tired of it. or some band comes on the radio and I'm excited because i love the lyrics in their songs, or something will come up i've seen in a move and talk about the passion it evoked, or I feel like I speak a diffrent language than people most days. "hey- bob- have you heard the new song by blah de blah? it reminds me of stevie wonder " and bob will say "no, you listen to stuff thats way to smart for me I'm just a normal person with normal person taste in music. none of this new age music for me" Like bob is Sarah Palin or something. And I'm like "no, it's a classic- nevermind" and it's the end of that conversation I put my earbuds back in and pretend I'm listening to Madonna or something normal. I think Madonna is normal: she started out in new york as dreamer, worked hard, successful music career, best selling book, changed her hair color, questioned her sexuality, found the right guy, got religon, three kids, got a new religion, bathes in bottled water, good ol'fasioned divorce and is now nailing a superstar baseball player in new york. Full Circle. I digress.

So, today - better than yesterday. I wake up either in good spirits or bad. Today i watched a comic rather than the news. it changed my whole outlook on the day. Russell Peters. Funny Guy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxbrXD0kgrQ if you catch his showtime special- watch it. I get his kind of humor though. I also like brittish humor, so whatever.

I gotta get to work, i've spent the last two days pissing around - cutting snowflakes.

Merry Christmas!!